1. When I got up this morning I accidentally took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john but I feel good about it.
2. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
3. I threw my back out bowling.
4. My stigmata is acting up again.
5. I will be stalking my previous boss who fired for not showing up for work.
6. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the local pharmacy.
7. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and..hey, how about those Dodgers, huh? So I won’t be able to..yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint but thanks for calling!
8. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
9. I prefer to remain an enigma.
10. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
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